I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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