Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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