Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
