Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
