At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
