It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
