Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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