What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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