I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
