i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
