My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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