You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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