Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
