sarcasm needs its own font
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
