I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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