Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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