FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've blown a few things in my day
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
