If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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