This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
