taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
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