My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
