put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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