I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
