...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
