i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
