so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
