My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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