I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
