I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
