Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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