So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
