I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize