I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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