I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
