if you like me you must not know who I am
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
