Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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