The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
3pm strippers are depressing
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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