We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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