Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize