now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
