Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
