Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
