1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
