dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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