i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
