I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
