she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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