ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
