Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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