The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
