I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
