i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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