What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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