Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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