Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
