I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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