I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
