8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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