I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I FOUND THE LEGS
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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