she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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