I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
